Rough draft 1 or "Everyone gets a free Louis Vuitton bag!"

My car is not your typical “stunning ride” it actually fits in a class all its own, it’s a “vintage” 1994 Salmon Pink Ford Tempo who’s engine doesn’t need to “purr like a kitten” it instead warbles like a walrus. But the minute my baby Diego’s sweet warbles began to sound more like the death rattle of an ostrich that had a chicken bone lodged in its throat I knew that something had to be done.

I then took my “pimping ride” to the local Wal-mart, because what else says low quality necessities at reasonable prices than Wal-mart? After parking my chariot in the designated yellow “maintenance zone” I walk into the auto garage. Looking around I see two cars lifted into the air so that their undercarriage is exposed to the world, it sent shivers down my spine to think that my baby would be shown so indecently in public. Beneath the cars exposing their under bits where several “grease monkeys” all wearing matching blue onezies or jump suits as they’re known to some. All of the mechanics had the same build in those less than form fitting attire, it was nearly impossible to distinguish a man from a woman except by their voices. Across the entrance to the main building separated by the two hoisted cars was a three tier wall of tires, which if it were to collapse sending these rubber giants reeling may seem comical at first but in the long run just more destructive. The only thing separating my self from the chaos of the oil stained garage floor was a chain link fence standing around four feet high. I then placed my hand on the grimy door handle to hear a “buzzing” noise to let me know the door was now unlocked.

I immediately stepped into the lobby of the auto department inside Wal-mart and instantly noticed the central air, although it didn’t exactly feel as if I was standing on a mountain top with the wind blowing through my hair it did offer a nice change from the grime and filth that penetrated the air in the garage itself. Next to the portal of oil and sweat stood a waist high service desk complete with cash register and retail worker. Behind the desk dweller was several large blue posters indicating the prices for several goods and services offered in this particular department. Obviously this was a time of day that many cars break down for there was a very large line, I guess next time I won’t underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Wal-mart automotive department. But all Kevin Smith references aside the line was rather formidable. The inhabitants of this mini linear community where a colorful bunch indeed. Standing at the front of the line was a woman possibly in her early twenties wearing large gold hoop earrings that said her name, tight blue jeans rolled up at the bottom, white KSWISS shoes with a large puffy tongue, and this entire outfit was toped off with the classiest feature of all an airbrushed white t-shirt that said “Venezuelan Pride” with a basketball for the background probably purchased at the mall from a quaint airbrush kiosk.

Behind her was a man approximately in his early forties, standing at about 5”7, with a noticeable but not horrible comb over. He wore a light orange checkered shirt tucked around a protruding belly into a pair or light khakis, his attire suggested that he had just gotten off of work at a white collar job and reminded me of many of the people I would see at my work, when I still worked in retail also known as hell.

Towering over this man was the behemoth of a woman standing in front of me. She had long mousy dirty blonde hair that fell onto her back like weak and brittle straw but still remained wispy. She wasn’t necessarily an overly tall woman, she may have been around 5”9, but it wasn’t her height that made her intimidating. She may have weighed around 240lbs and had the look about her that she could knock you down and take you out if need be. I tried my best to avoid eye contact.

Behind me I noticed a small waiting area containing, two empty chairs (which oddly resembled the dark blue one that came with my dorm), an oval table and a rather old TV mounted onto the wall. The “idiot box” was playing the latest episode of Oprah and just as she had finished giving out designer purses to the audience when I realized it was finally my turn to get my bundle of joy the attention it so sorely deserved. I approached the minion of the auto department who seemed gremlin like in his stature and mannerisms; he couldn’t have stood more than 5”3 and had the type of beard and arm hair that suggested he was hairy all over and may live beneath a bridge. Not to be thrown by his appearance I confidently stepped forward and said, “I need an oil change for my car.” He then responded, “It will be about an hour and a half long wait and $26.34. Is that ok?”

I then weighed my options very carefully, on one hand I had spent what was at least the better half of an hour on this whole excursion and what felt like the better half of an afternoon but if it weren’t for catching Oprah’s grand give away on her show it would have seemed like a waste. But on the other hand I really didn’t feel like spending an entire hour and a half waiting on my “little muffin”, let alone shelling out the $26.34 for something I can attempt to do for free, after all there where important things to do and naps to take.

After carefully consideration on the matter I politely said to the hob-goblin, “Oh, I don’t have that much time.” He then politely glared at me for wasting his time and scoffed. But I took solace in knowing I could reach the top shelf of most kitchen pantries and he couldn’t without the aid of a step ladder.

I then turned and proceeded to leave the quant little abode I called my home for a half hour, grasped onto the cold gray grungy handle, heard the familiar buzz and opened the doorway to grime, filth and loud noises then soon after opened a second door leading to the outside world. As I strolled back to my beloved off color vehicle I couldn’t help but reflect on the happenings of the day. I then began to realize how much humor truly helps me cope with what would normally be a bleak and dull chore and how smiling at things can truly help to make the world a brighter place, or at least your world a brighter place.